The Ache to Be Known

I have struggled to feel seen and understood for a little while now. Very often it feels as though everything good about me goes unnoticed and I’m only met with criticism. I recently finished my spring semester of my first year of college. I had four A's on my spring transcript. I wouldn’t have ever thought that was possible for me - I’ve felt so incapable for years and years, and now, I have proved to myself that I could do it. Still, I feel depressed, unloved, unknown, and disappointed. 

My oldest sister has called me incompetent, insulted me, and mistreated me for as long as I can remember. I am pretty much the worst person ever in her eyes. I have lived with her my whole life and all I want is to have her out of my day-to-day life. My mind was filled with homicidal thoughts, and my heart was full of hatred for her for years. There were points where I truly felt like she ruined my life, particularly when I was a powerless and defenseless child. Still, at twenty-seven years old, she continues to berate and insult me. I am nineteen, her youngest sibling. She has told me that I make her life terrible, I’m manipulative, a gaslighter, and a spoiled brat. I feel that there are not enough words I can say to express the way she has negatively impacted my life. I have tried empathizing, listening and talking to her, spending time with her, and I always soon regret it because of the way I get treated in return. 

My mind feels warped. I feel as though I am unworthy of happiness, love, healthy relationships, and a fulfilling life. I’ve carried an immense amount of guilt for even deeming myself worthy of those things. I’m trying to change all of this, but it is so incredibly difficult. To have to unlearn unhealthy behaviors, retrain my brain, disciplining myself, and live a life rather than survive, it feels unfair that not everybody needs to do this. Life has been hard. I’m trying to make it better for myself, day by day.

To be loved is to be known. I want to feel known.